


It's not the fall

by LeDiz



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hero-complex, Requested fic, because ASH, but not at the same time, near-death trauma, not dealing with things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 17:51:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8677141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeDiz/pseuds/LeDiz
Summary: While looking for something underwater, Ash panics, and the Kalos team are all there to see it. None of them really know how to react, not even Ash.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Kindasortanotreally requested by ShadowRanger. I know this probably doesn't quite match what you were thinking of, but I think it might be the best I can do. Hope it somewhat satisfies!

“I wanna dive, I wanna dive!”

Ash grinned, cycling his arms back a stroke as Bonnie danced around on the rock above him. “Well, stop talkin’ about it and do it already!”

“Right!” she cried, and struck a pose, one finger pointed to the sky and the other fist on her hip. “Prepare yourself for the most amazing and beautiful and spec-tacu-lous swan dive in the history of the whole world!”

“Bonnie!” Clemont called, spoiling her dramatic tension from where he was sitting on the shore. “Be careful up there! It looks really slippery!”

Falling out of her pose, Bonnie glared at her brother for a moment before turning back to Ash. He had turned his head to smile at Clemont, but he quickly shot her a wink to show whose side he was really on. She grinned and took a few steps back, before launching herself into what even she had to admit was less of a swan dive and more of a cannon ball. Only a few feet from where Ash was swimming.

“Ack! Hey!” he laughed, but she didn’t hear, almost a metre down and already swimming for the surface. She broke air with a dramatic gasp and swung her head just to make the water go as far as possible, grinning when it made Ash splutter again. “Watch it, Bonnie!”

“If you don’t want to get wet, why are you in the water?” she asked, and threw her arms up to splash him even more.

She loved her brother – thought he was the best guy in the whole wide world. But there were a lot of things he just wasn’t good at. He’d never really been very good at playing, or running, or climbing trees, or even messing around in a pool. And that was one of the best things about travelling with Ash and Serena – everything Clemont couldn’t do, Ash was pretty much the best at.

When they’d come across this huge lake in the middle of the forest, she couldn’t believe her luck. It was absolutely perfect, like nothing she’d ever seen before. Sparkling and fresh, and so deep that when they were in the middle, she couldn’t even see the bottom. And there were water pokemon everywhere! It would have been beautiful on its own, but then Ash asked if she wanted to go swimming, and it was officially the best day ever.

She’d never gone swimming like this before. She’d been in pools of course, and once they’d taken a trip to the seaside. But this was different. The water pokemon were wild, and so curious, coming up to look at Ash whenever he was still, swimming around them both and showing off as much as they could. Everyone’s pokemon were out and playing in the shallows; even Braixen was sitting with Clemont and Serena on the shoreline, close enough to watch. Pancham and Chespin were dual-wield sword fighting with Serena’s knitting needles, Squishy was lying in the sun, Bunnelby and Sylveon were playing in the waves everyone was making, it was a wonderful, fun, perfect day.

Bonnie never wanted it to end.

Ash tumbled around, diving under the water to escape her splashing, and she squealed, already knowing he’d be coming for her from underneath. She tried to swim away, but he was too fast, and snatched her ankles, pulling her underwater only to immediately shift his grip to her waist and yank her up with him. She cried out as soon as they were above the water again, and in seconds he had her screeching with tickling fingers.

“No! No, stop! Ah! Clemont help me!”

“No one can save you now!” Ash announced, but the laughter in his voice ruined any evil tone he might have been trying to put on. “There’s no escaping the tickle-cool!”

“Ah! No! No, no, no!” she giggled, trying to shove him off.

It would have been hopeless if not for a sudden blast of water from nowhere, hitting Ash right in the face and throwing him back into the water. Bonnie gasped as he dropped her, and then grinned at her saviour. The wooper smiled vaguely back, its tail thumping against the rock she’d only just jumped from.

Ash resurfaced again with a cough, only to almost immediately sink down again with a dark look. “No fair bringing pokemon to a tickle-fight.”

“It's a water battle!” she announced. “Wooper! Mud sport!”

“Huh – what?” Ash cried, and then dove back underwater just in time to avoid the mud being thrown at his head. Bonnie giggled right up until Ash resurfaced with a buizel beside him. “Water gun that wooper!”

“Hey! No battling with wild pokemon!” Serena called as the wooper was all but cannoned off the rock.

“Hey, it’s not a problem if the pokemon choose to listen to them,” Clemont pointed out. “Most wouldn’t.”

“Really? But every time we give a wild pokemon orders, they follow them.”

“That’s true, but it isn’t normal. Normally, you need the connection of a pokeball or a Ranger-tag to –”

Bonnie tuned them out, too focussed on the game to care about what _should_ happen. As far as she was concerned, this was how things were really _supposed_ to be.

At least, that’s what she thought until there was a sudden and very loud yelp. “ _Pi_ -kachu!”

That was followed by several louder and more drawn out yells, and Bonnie winced as something like a static shock tingled all over her body.

“Pi! Pikachu!” Pikachu cried, and Bonnie shook off the slight pain to look around. All of the pokemon that had been sitting in the water looked a little… well, fried. Except for Pikachu, who looked horrified. “Pika… pikachu…”

Ash frowned, glancing around the lake at several very dazed water pokemon and then giving Bonnie a quick once-over before immediately swimming for the shoreline. “Pikachu? What happened?”

“Is everyone okay?” Clemont asked as he got to his feet. “It didn’t look very big, but it was in the water, and water conducts electricity…”

“Sylveon? Pancham?” Serena asked, hurrying over to her pokemon.

Disappointed by the end of the game, but wanting to make sure everyone was okay, Bonnie swam after Ash, reaching the shore just as he was helping Greninja stand. “Was that Pikachu?”

 “Pika-pika,” Pikachu moaned, and Bonnie got the feeling that if it could have sunk into the water and disappeared, it would have. “Pikachu pika.”

“Aw, buddy,” Ash chuckled, grinning as he eased Greninja back down on dry land and turned to do the same for Noivern. “If you feel bad about it, you should keep a better eye on your tail.”

“What?” asked Clemont, and he shrugged.

“Seems like Pancham or Chespin stepped on Pikachu’s tail.”

Serena gasped and immediately pulled back from where she’d been about to pull the little pokemon out of the water to instead put her hands on her hips. “Pancham, you didn’t!”

“Chespin!” Clemont added, and the grass type groaned back.

“It’s okay,” Ash said as he finished up with Noivern and turned to look down at Pikachu. “They got off worse, right Pikachu?”

It actually tugged on its ears, obviously apologising to everyone again and again. Ash pointed to the wild pokemon that were finally starting to recover. “Don’t forget to say sorry to them, too.”

“Pi-i-i-ka!” it wailed, and Bonnie had to cover her mouth to hide her giggle. It wasn’t funny.

“Well, as long as everyone’s okay,” Serena said slowly, before she suddenly frowned. “Wait… where…?”

They looked around, but Serena didn’t meet their gazes, leaning over to peer into the water only to twist around and check behind herself.

“Something wrong?” asked Ash, and she frowned.

“My knitting needles. Pancham and Chespin were playing with them, but now I can’t see them.”

“Knitting needles?” he repeated, and everyone started looking around. But there was no sign of them anywhere.

“They must have dropped them when they got shocked,” Clemont pointed out. “Or… thrown them, more likely.”

“Ugh! Now we’ll never find them!”

“Hey, it’s no big deal Serena,” Ash said cheerfully. “We’ll help you look for them. Right guys?”

The surrounding pokemon all cheered their agreement, and both Clemont and Bonnie nodded. “Of course!”

“It would be my pleasure.”

“Thanks, you guys,” Serena said. “But it’s really not that important. I can buy more at the next town.”

“Nah, it’s no big deal,” Ash said, and then held one finger up with an exaggerated wink. “Besides, it’s the first rule of camping: no littering, even by accident!”

She giggled, but that seemed to have done the trick, because she nodded. “Okay then. If you insist.”

They all split up, Pikachu still looking miserably apologetic, to search the surrounding area. Most of the group took to the surrounding grass and bushes, but Bonnie took the shoreline, while Ash and Greninja checked the lake proper.

Bonnie found two of the needles near the rock her wooper was still perched on, but no one else seemed to have a lot of luck. After about twenty minutes, she sat down on the edge of the lake beside Dedenne, both of them bored with the search, so they instead watched Ash and Greninja diving.

They both went pretty far down – too far for her to see. Greninja made sense, being a water pokemon, but she was surprised by how long Ash could stay underwater. She tried holding her breath for as long as he could, but usually only got about half of the way before she had to gasp down more air.

It was on her fourth try that it happened.

Greninja had been up getting more air when it, along with most of the other water pokemon around, suddenly looked down at the water. For a few seconds, none of them moved, before Greninja suddenly dove faster and harder than she’d seen yet.

She blinked, not really sure why she felt nervous all of a sudden, but less than a minute passed before it came back up again, now holding a thrashing Ash.

“No! No, let me go, I have to go back!” he yelled, shoving at his pokemon. “I have to get it! It’s stuck! I have to get it!”

Bonnie gaped, eyes almost bugging out of her head when Ash actually hit Greninja hard enough to make the pokemon gasp and let go, only to then freeze so suddenly he actually stopped swimming, sinking down into the water before flailing again, this time to stay afloat. But he didn’t seem to have a lot of control, because he kept going under until Greninja grabbed him again, this time with its tongue so that his arms were pinned to his sides. And then they just stared at each other, both looking terrified as Ash gasped down breaths that didn’t seem to get all the way to his lungs.

It felt like an hour before either of them so much as blinked.

“L-let me go,” Ash said again. “Let me go, Greninja, right now.”

It slowly did so, still watching him carefully, but as soon as Ash could move, he shoved Greninja’s tongue the rest of the way off and scrambled for the far shore, crawling and snatching at the grass and bushes until he was out of the water. Then he stumbled into the woods and out of sight.

“Pikapi!”

Bonnie flinched, having completely forgotten everyone else behind her, but she didn’t have time to look around before all of Ash’s pokemon were rushing around the lake edge or flying directly after him.

She jumped to her feet, but Clemont grabbed her before she could even get out of the lake, and gently pushed her back down.

“Stay here for a little while, Bonnie,” he said, sinking down beside her. “Let’s just… wait for a while, okay?”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Serena asked, from somewhere behind them. “I’ve never seen Ash like that. I’ve never seen _anyone_ like that.”

 “That’s… why I think it’s a good idea if we just… give him some time,” he said. “I don’t want to make it worse.”

Bonnie stared up at her brother, then around to the spot where Ash—strong, fearless Ash—had disappeared.

 

* * *

 

“Should we ask him about it?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know what happened!”

“I know… I just turned around and he was… do you think something happened in the lake?”

Well, obviously, Bonnie thought angrily, poking at her soup. But Clemont and Serena weren’t talking to her. They had made that very clear, telling her she needed to just let them figure out how they were going to handle this.

It had been an hour. Ash hadn’t come back. She would have been scared if Clemont and Serena weren’t being so dumb about it. If it had been her that wandered off, she wouldn’t have even gotten past the tree line before someone came after her, no matter how upset she was! And wasn’t Ash always saying that people didn’t have to deal with things on their own? She didn’t understand why they were so busy talking when the answer was obviously just going and finding Ash and bringing him back to camp! Lots of food and maybe some training, and he’d be back to normal in no time!

In fact…

She glared over at the pair of them. They were standing by the cooking stove, turned slightly away from her as if that would stop her from hearing the conversation. But that was fine. It meant they weren’t watching.

She slipped off her chair, signalled for Dedenne and Squishy to keep silent as she gathered them up into her bag, and snuck off into the trees.

 

* * *

 

It took a while to find Ash, because he wasn’t making lots of noise. In the end, she only even noticed him because the bright blue of greninja’s skin caught her eye.

He was sitting among the roots of a huge tree, Noivern at his back, Talonflame perched on one of his knees, Hawlucha by his side, Pikachu curled up against his chest and Greninja standing watch over all of them. It shifted slightly when it noticed her, almost moving as if to block Ash from view.

He looked… really, really tired.

“Um…” she said, not really sure what to do now.

“Bonnie,” Ash murmured, and Greninja glanced back at him before turning sideways, obviously allowing her to come closer. She did, curling her fists up against her chest.

This had seemed a lot simpler back at camp.

“Um…” she said again, “are you…?”

He smiled, tilting his head a little. “You found me. Sorry if I made you worry. I’ll come back in a little while.”

She nodded, taking another awkward step closer. “You ran away.”

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I needed some time.”

“Are you…” Again, she couldn’t quite bring herself to finish the question. He wasn’t okay. Even she could see that. “What happened?”

Everyone but Pikachu had been watching her, but with that question, the pokemon all turned to stare expectantly at their trainer. Apparently he hadn’t explained it to them, either.

He hesitated, then sighed loudly and leaned back against Noivern. Then he smiled again, and gestured for her to come closer still. She slowly did, perching on one of the smaller roots, and Dedenne popped out of her bag to scurry over and join the pile by curling up on Ash’s shoulder. He gave it a very slight nuzzle, just enough for a crackle of static electricity, before looking back up at her again.

“We have a lot of adventures, huh?” he began. “Most of them are a lot of fun, right?”

“Yeah,” she said quietly. It felt like he wanted an answer.

“But sometimes, they’re not so fun. Sometimes bad stuff happens.”

“Like with those mean guys in red?” she asked. “Or… or like with Hoopa, when the city got hurt?”

“Yeah, like that. Only… only sometimes, it’s worse than that,” he said slowly. “It hasn’t happened much with you guys, but… sometimes things go really bad. Sometimes people get hurt. Sometimes…” He looked down at Pikachu, and ran his fingers over its head. “Sometimes I get hurt.”

“You do?” she asked. That couldn’t be right – Ash never got hurt. Even when Clemont said he should have. Ash was never, ever hurt.

But he nodded anyway, still staring into Pikachu’s eyes. “Uh huh. One time… well, actually, a couple of times… I had to swim while some bad stuff was happening, and… and I didn’t… I ran out of air.”

While Hawlucha and Greninja hissed, and Talonflame’s wings fluttered, Bonnie could only blink. She knew the word for that. “You drowned?”

“Mmhm. Well, I mean… I don’t know if you can call it that,” he said, glancing up at her. “I got better. Usually people don’t.”

“Pikapi,” Pikachu murmured, and it shifted over to press into his torso, one ear flicking up to lay over his heart. Ash ran his fingers down its spine a few times before looking around at his other pokemon.

“I don’t know what happened back there. I was just swimming, looking for the needles, and I think I spotted one in the lake bed, near some rocks. But then, it was like even though I knew that’s what I was looking at, at the same time, it wasn’t. It was like I was back in the temple. I knew I was looking at a needle, in some rocks, but… all I could see was a part of the crown, and I knew I couldn’t get it out in time,” he said quietly. “And then, I don’t know what happened. I just…”

Greninja croaked something, and Ash nodded like it had finished his sentence. Bonnie stared up at it, then down at Ash, not really sure what to do.

But it seemed like she wasn’t the only one. Noivern and Hawlucha were staring at each other with wide eyes, while Greninja had turned away again, arms folded tightly over its front as it glared at the ground nearby. After a moment, Talonflame was the first one to really react, fluttering up and over to Ash’s free shoulder, where it quietly began pulling at his hair.

Ash winced at first, but didn’t make any moves to stop it, chewing on his lips to hide a smile. Hawlucha was the one to give it an incredulous look. “Haw – lucha! Lu-lucha hawlucha cha.”

It trilled back and continued what it was doing. After a minute, Noivern shrugged and started dragging its claws through the hair on the other side, not noticing it made Ash cringe slightly. But again, he didn’t say anything, just took a breath, looked up at the trees overhead, and tried not to grin too broadly.

“Haw-lucha!” Hawlucha objected.

“Vern noi-noi,” Noivern replied, and Hawlucha slapped a clawed hand to its face. Greninja gave all of them a sideways look, and Pikachu peeked up at Ash’s face, but neither of them did anything.

After a few seconds, Bonnie realised they were trying to _preen_ him. They just… didn’t seem to realise humans weren’t supposed to be preened.

Ash was quickly losing his battle against building laughter, and that made Bonnie want to giggle as well. She pressed her hands to her mouth, but when Ash finally broke, snorting as he had to duck away from a particularly hard tug, so did she, hunching over with her snickering. Pikachu looked between the two of them, then grinned and squirmed its way higher up Ash’s chest, where it made a big show of licking its paw before dragging it down Ash’s cheek. He tried to yank back, but with the other two pokemon basically holding his head in place, there was no escape.

“Hey! Hey, stop it! I don’t need cleaning!” he insisted, but too little, too late, as Dedenne happily got in on the game, licking its paws and then scrubbing them against Ash’s neck. He cried out, arms rising as he cringed. “Oh, come on, no, this so gross, knock it off!”

“Pika pikachu, Pikapi!” Pikachu said cheerfully.

“I wanna help too!” Bonnie realised, jumping off her root with arms spread high over head. “I’m gonna help take care of Ash!”

“Haw-lucha!” Hawlucha begged, dragging both hands down its face, and Ash cried out.

“That’s right, that’s right!” he said, and grabbed Pikachu before rolling out from under his pokemon, Talonflame shrieking as it took to the air and Dedenne complaining as it had to scrabble to stay on. He rocked to his feet and held out one hand to ward them all off. “That’s enough! I’m good! I feel loads better! Honest!”

“Pi-ika chu,” Pikachu said cheerfully, squirming as it tried to reach him for more cleaning.

“No! No, that’s enough!” he insisted, but he was grinning, and laughed at Noivern’s anxious look. “You did great, guys, thank you! But I’m really feeling much better.”

Ash had come up beside him, so Greninja only had to turn its head to look at him face-on. “Greninja ninj?”

“Yeah, I really am,” he said, and let Pikachu clamber out of his arms to reach his other shoulder. “I should’ve told you all sooner. I’m sorry.”

Now that the game was over, Bonnie felt her smile fade, and she looked up at him nervously. “Does… does this happen lots?”

“No,” he said simply. “Really. It’s normally no big deal. I mean, whenever something like what happened in the temple happens, it’s usually followed by something really, really cool. Like how Hoopa gained control of its full power after Shadow Hoopa destroyed all those buildings. So it’s easy to get past the bad stuff.”

“Haw-hawluch, lucha-haw,” Hawlucha pointed out, and Ash glanced at it, then smiled.

“Yeah, being able to get past it doesn’t mean the bad stuff didn’t happen. And I guess sometimes that comes back to bite you. But this really doesn’t happen that often. Just ask Pikachu – it’s been here for all of it.”

“Pika,” it admitted, and nuzzled against Ash’s cheek.

 “But thank you—all of you—for worrying about me.”

The pokemon all smiled back at him, and Bonnie clasped her hands in front of her, taking a deep breath before asking, “So can we go back to camp now? Clemont and Serena were worried too.”

“Yeah, I guess I should explain,” he said, rubbing the back of his head. “And honestly, I’m getting kind of cold.”

He was still only in his bathing suit, Bonnie realised, and giggled again. “Oh-kay! Come on, it’s this way!”

They went back to camp, to where Clemont and Serena had finally realised she was missing and begun worrying, only to apparently not know how to react when she reappeared alongside Ash.

“Hey guys! Sorry we ran off like that,” he said as they walked around the lakeside. “I guess we just had some stuff to figure out. I’m gonna go get dressed and then I’ll explain, okay?”

He grabbed his bag and disappeared into the treeline again, and Clemont immediately rounded on Bonnie.

“I can’t believe you ran off like that, after I specifically told you not to!”

“Ash needed someone to go get him,” she said, folding her arms. “And you two weren’t doing anything!”

“Bonnie!”

“Greninja,” Greninja stepped up between them, extending his arm out like a shield. Clemont blinked at it, but it apparently didn’t care whether he understood or not, just meeting his gaze with its own determined eyes.

“Is he okay?” Serena asked quietly, and everyone looked at her for a few seconds, not really sure how to answer, before Bonnie grinned and swung her arms around behind her back.

“Of course! He just got a little stuck under the water!” she said cheerfully. “And then he needed some time to get better. Potions and persim berries don’t work on humans after all!”

“That’s a pretty good way to put it actually,” Ash said as he came into the clearing, Pikachu on his head as he finished zipping up his shirt. “It kinda feels a lot like confusion.”

“Ash?” they asked, turning to face him. “Are you okay?”

He tilted his head to the side, closing his eyes in a broad smile. “I’m a lot better now. Like Bonnie said, I just got kinda confused, and I needed some time to snap out of it. Sorry to make you worry.”

They stared at him, but Bonnie kept grinning. Even if he was the one in the bad place, Ash could make anything better. Things would be just fine.

 

* * *

 

“Hey… Ash?”

“Mm, what’s up?” Ash didn’t even look up from where he was combing Hawlucha’s feathers, and Clemont grimaced.

They’d reached the next village and Pokemon Centre just before nightfall, and while Serena had ushered Bonnie off to the kitchens, Clemont had followed Ash into the pokemon baths, both of them hoping to get more information about what had happened that morning.

Ash seemed completely recovered from whatever it was, back to his normal, cheerful self and completely focussed on his pokemon. They didn’t seem quite so happy – Hawlucha was being surprisingly quiet compared to its usual imperious attitude to the grooming routine, and where Pikachu would normally be watching from far away, it was perched on Ash’s head despite how much he was moving it as he worked. But if Ash noticed, he didn’t care, and Clemont wasn’t so sure it was a good idea to bring up whatever had happened in the lake.

But he knew he should ask. Ash had been pretty vague in his explanation – he’d gotten confused when he saw Serena’s needle stuck in a rock, which resulted in him forgetting to go up for air. He’d been panicking when Greninja grabbed him, and that just made things worse. That was what he’d said.

It wasn’t that Clemont thought he was lying. In all the months he’d known Ash, Clemont had never thought of him as a liar – in fact, he was brutally honest more often than not. But that didn’t mean he felt like he was getting the whole story.

What could confuse someone like that? Enough to almost drown them? And then, for Ash to lash out against _Greninja_ , of all pokemon… These days Ash didn’t normally even have to look to know exactly what Greninja was doing and where.

And what he’d said when he came up. ‘I have to go back. I have to get it’.

Surely not the needle.

So what?

“Clemont?”

He flinched, and Ash raised his eyebrows. “Did you wanna ask something?”

“O-oh, I… No, I…” He grimaced again, lowering his head and hunching his shoulders. He was being a coward.

People didn’t panic like that, especially not people like Ash. Ash was fearless, and strong, no matter what was happening. He’d faced down Yvetal with a solid stance, ready to battle it like any other dangerous pokemon. And yet he’d actually—there was no other word for it—freaked out today. Something really bad must have happened. Something that a good friend would want to know about.

Clemont just…

“Okay then…” Ash said slowly. “So are you gonna take care of your pokemon, or what?”

“Wha? Oh, right, yeah,” he said, and pulled Bunnelby’s ball out from his back pocket to release it. Grooming had never really been his forte – it had been much more convenient to take them to a parlour in Lumios, especially after he became Gym Leader and got stuff like that for free. But between Ash and Serena, he was learning fast. He borrowed Ash’s comb and started pulling the mud and dirt from Bunnelby’s fur, trying to work up something resembling courage.

Something bad had happened to Ash. Maybe today, maybe before. He didn’t know. But something.

A good friend would want to know.

A good friend would ask.

He pursed his lips, glancing over at Ash. Now he was thinking about it, there was a lot Clemont didn’t know about him. He didn’t know much about Ash’s life back in Kanto, or the journeys he’d taken before reaching Kalos. He occasionally made references to pokemon or places he’d seen, but he never gave a lot of detail, and Clemont was becoming increasingly aware of the fact he’d never asked for more information either.

A few weeks ago, when they’d first talked aboout going to see Zapdos, Ash had been surprised to hear the Legendary Birds lived in Kalos. “Zapdos, Articuno, and Moltres? They’re here in Kalos?”

“Yeah, of course,” Clemont said blankly. “I’m surprised you know about them, though. Even most Kalosians only know the legends.”

He skated past that, smiling thoughtfully. “Wow… I wonder if they’re the same ones as the Legendary Birds in the Orange Isles.”

“The Orange Isles?”

“Oh, that’s right!” Serena said, clapping her hands in memory. “I’d forgotten about that. There’s a place in Kanto called the Orange Islands, ruled by the Beast of the Sea! We learned about it at Pokemon Camp!”

“We did?” Ash asked blankly, then laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry, I don’t remember that bit either!”

Serena smiled – she was surprisingly patient with how little Ash remembered of their childhood friendship. She turned toward Clemont and Bonnie instead, lifting a finger to explain. “In Kanto, they believe that Articuno and Moltres came together to create the oceans, while Zapdos created the currents. And they all serve Lugia, the Legendary Beast of the Sea.”

“Or it at least tries to keep them from fighting all the time!” Ash added with a chuckle. Thinking back, it was an odd thing to say, but Clemont had barely heard it at the time.

“So Kanto has its own Legendary Birds?” he asked. “That’s so strange. I thought they were unique to Kalos.”

“Just like I thought they only lived around Shamounti Island,” Ash said cheerfully, then grinned at Pikachu on his shoulder. “Isn’t it so cool, the things you learn on a pokemon journey?”

“Pika pika!”

Clemont tightened his grip on the comb, thinking about all the ways the conversation could have gone from there. He could—should—have asked if Ash had ever been to those islands. If he’d ever seen any of the Legendary Birds. How, if he didn’t remember being taught about them on the pokemon camp, he knew about them at all. Was it common knowledge in Kanto? Did they worship them like he’d heard some regions did their legendaries? _Anything other than changing the subject_ on to how they would best get to the mountain.

_You could ask now,_ a traitorous part of his mind pointed out. _Nothing’s stopping you from asking it now._ Even if Ash thought it was out of the blue, he wouldn’t judge. And Clemont would finally learn something about his friend’s past.

But he didn’t say anything.

Part of it was just that… maybe, deep down, he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to know about the life Ash had lived before coming to Kalos. He didn’t want to think of him having had other adventures. Travelling other regions, probably with other friends. Clemont knew he himself had done a lot for a kid his age, but this journey was by far the most interesting and exciting thing he’d ever done. Some small, childish part of him wanted to think that Ash had come to Kalos just to take him on it. That was why they’d met so soon after Ash arrived, and why he hadn’t even hesitated before welcoming them to travel with him.

He wasn’t supposed to have a life that he was going to go back to.

He wasn’t supposed to have worries, or problems that Clemont didn’t know about, or couldn’t fix.

As he peeked up over his glasses, to where Ash was preparing a cloth for Hawlucha to shine its beak with, Clemont realised that in that small, childish place somewhere deep inside him… he didn’t really want Ash to be human.

He was a terrible friend.

“H-hey, Ash?” he said, before he could back out. “Do you ever…”

Ash blinked at him, obviously waiting for him to finish the statement, but Clemont wasn’t entirely sure what he’d been about to ask. He looked down at Bunnelby, who was peering back up at him to let him know he really was coming across as crazy as he suddenly felt.

“Do you ever… do you ever think about… w-what Olympia said?”

_Coward,_ his mind berated him. _You utter, utter coward._

“What Olympia said?” Ash repeated blankly. “You mean about the thing me and Greninja can do?”

“Yeah, but there was the other stuff too,” he said. “You know, about the green fire, and how you two’ll be involved?”

“Oh, yeah, that stuff,” he said, and took a moment to consider before shrugging with a soft laugh. “Not really. I mean, I guess I probably should, but I’m a little more worried about working things out with Greninja first.”

“I suppose,” he agreed quietly. “I guess it can’t be worse than what happened with Hoopa.”

Ash blinked again, even pulling back a little like he was surprised Clemont had mentioned that. Then he was the one to look away, his eyes hidden behind his cap as he focussed on making sure Hawlucha was polishing its beak properly and that he had all the tools he needed to clean its talons. “Whenever it happens, we’ll deal with it. You can’t spend your whole life worrying about what might happen in the future – you’d never want to get out of bed! You just gotta keep taking each day as it comes, and always do your best. That way, no matter what happens, you always know that you did everything you could have.”

Clemont managed a weak laugh, tilting his head. “You know, I might have to borrow that one. It sounds like something a gym leader would say to a failed challenger.”

“I guess so!” he said, lifting his head just enough for Clemont to see his grin. It softened after a moment though, as he looked off to the side. “It’s not always the easiest way to look at things though. I mean, when you screw up, you don’t want to think ‘that really is the best I could have done’. I know you gotta learn from your mistakes, and that means that sometimes you gotta get things wrong, but when it matters… when it _really_ matters…”

“Pika, Pikapi,” Pikachu said softly, and Ash took a deep breath, visibly pushing past the darker moment.

“But I guess that’s why we train, right? We work hard to get better, all the time, so that when stuff happens, we’re rea-” Ash suddenly stopped, then swallowed. Clemont frowned, not really understanding what could be going through his head, especially when Pikachu slowly clambered down to Ash’s shoulder, where it could see his face. Ash glanced at it, then smiled and reached up to rub its head. “We work hard, and get stronger, so that one day, we’ll be the greatest team the world’s ever seen. I’ll be a Pokemon Master, and my pokemon will be right there beside me! Right, guys?”

“Pi-kachu!” it said, almost defiantly, and Hawlucha pumped the air with the cleaning cloth.

“Haaaaw-lucha!”

“That’s what matters!” Ash said firmly. “You just gotta keep going, and work hard, and follow your dreams. If we do that, there’s no way we can’t get all eight badges, and we’ll get to the Pokemon League for sure!”

Clemont chuckled, then looked down to exchange grins with Bunnelby.

It was only a few minutes later that Clemont remembered he’d first asked about Olympia’s vision, and that Ash really hadn’t been talking about the league until the very end there.

He looked back up, and watched Ash now working the kinks out of Noivern’s wing joints.

For a second there—just for that brief moment—Ash had been thinking about something else. Not just what had happened with Hoopa, or what Olympia had foretold, but something else. Not even that time they’d met Diancie, and he’d almost lost Pikachu. It had been something deeper than any of that. Something he didn’t want to think about.

Clemont wondered whether or not a good friend would ever want to force their friends to face something like that, and went back to brushing down Bunnelby’s fur.

 

* * *

 

It was late enough to be early, but Serena couldn’t go back to sleep.

They’d all learned, fairly early on in their journey, that they all snored sometimes. None of them were that bad, but it was enough to be noticeable. They’d also learned that both Bonnie and Ash talked in their sleep. Usually about food or pokemon, but occasionally other things as well. Clemont swore that he’d once had a full conversation with Ash about Kantonese traditional clothing before Clemont had realised Ash was asleep.

It had apparently started because Ash was complaining about not being able to walk. She hadn’t asked beyond that.

Again, it wasn’t that noticeable, unless you were awake. Bonnie did little more than sigh and mumble occasionally, and Ash usually petered off after a minute or two unless you talked back. So when she’d woken up to the sound of Ash muttering, she’d just rolled over and tried to block it out.

But something about it caught her attention, and she kept finding her eyes creeping open, her ears straining to hear what he was saying.

Maybe it was because of what had happened at the lake. Maybe it was the way Bonnie had talked about it later, saying she thought Ash might have been ‘hurt real bad once’. Maybe it was how close Pikachu had stayed to Ash all day and night, refusing to move more than an arm’s length away even when they put out the pokemon food. Maybe she was just… worried. Worrying over nothing, probably, but…

He was apologising to someone.

Her eyes opened wide when she realised that, and she curled her fists into her blanket.

Ash was apologising, again and again, because he couldn’t get something to someone. Or he couldn’t reach. Or he dropped it. Or he didn’t make it in time. It kept changing. Over and over, he said he was sorry, and that he’d tried, but it wasn’t enough. So he was sorry.

And then he fell out of bed.

She flinched and jerked upright, while Clemont and Bonnie grumbled at the noise. Clemont dragged himself over to peer down from the top bunk. “Ash?”

“Pikapi?” Pikachu asked, crawling over to the edge of the mattress where it could see him.

“Uh… sorry,” Ash said again, his wide eyes visible in the dark. “Guess I rolled too far. Go back to sleep.”

“You okay?”

“Ahh… I’ll be fine,” he said, and started untangling himself from his sheets while Clemont flopped back against his pillow. But then Ash caught sight of Serena, and she was pretty sure he smiled through the darkness. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. Go back to sleep.”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” she said softly, but didn’t lie down again. She watched as Ash sat up, paused, and then shuddered like he was cold, his hands rising to grab at his biceps.

“Pikapi?” Pikachu asked again, and Ash looked over at it before getting to his feet.

“Let’s go get a glass of water, buddy,” he whispered, and grabbed his blanket to drape around his shoulders before heading for the door. Pikachu had to run to make it onto his shoulder in time.

According to her pocket computer, that had been half an hour ago.

She waited, straining her ears for sounds of footsteps in the hallway, or some other sign he was coming back, but there was nothing. After another few moments, she weighed her options, and then rolled out of bed.

She found him in the kitchen, an untouched cup of water off to the side as he absently scratched behind Pikachu’s ears, his eyes caught on the middle distance. She bit her lip, then moved over to the vending machine, pressing her pokedex against the reader before selecting two mugs of hot chocolate.

“Serena?” he asked quietly. His voice was hoarse with the early morning. Or the nightmare. She wasn’t sure which. “I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean –”

“You don’t have to apologise,” she said shortly. She’d heard enough of it already. “It’s not really your fault.”

“Guess we can’t control what happens when we sleep,” he admitted, his gaze refocussing on Pikachu with a soft smile. “But I do feel bad that I woke you up.”

She shrugged, taking the first cup and moving over to put it down in front of him while the second filled. He glanced up with a grateful smile, wrapping one hand around it while the other stayed on Pikachu. The silence stretched, but it was surprisingly comfortable given the reason for them all being awake.

Once she had her own drink, she sat down in a chair across the table from him, and lifted her cup to her lips, waiting for him to do the same. His eyes were back on the middle distance, and it wasn’t until Pikachu murmured for him that he seemed to come back.

“Oh, uh, yeah.” He quickly brought it to his mouth, blew softly, and then took a short sip. It was apparently just what he needed, because his next blink made him seem far more together, and he took a longer drink before smiling at her again. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” she said with her own warm smile. She watched as he put it down again, adjusting his blanket to better lie over his shoulders despite the movement of his arm, and waited another moment afterward before asking, “Aren’t you hot? It’s warmer in here than the dorms.”

“I guess I just feel better with it right now,” he said with a quick and shameful grin. “Bad dreams make me cold.”

She looked up, surprised he’d admitted it. She hadn’t been around enough boys to know, but she’d kind of assumed he would play tough and deny anything was wrong. She was pretty sure that’s what guys usually did. But she wasn’t going to look a gift rhyhorn in the mouth. “Bad dreams?”

“Yeah. I don’t remember most of them, but I always know when I’ve had one,” he said. “I get real cold, and lately, it’s made my chest hurt a little. Like I can’t breathe.”

“Pikapi…” Pikachu murmured, and a glance showed it looked absolutely wretched, even worse than it had after shocking everyone. It twisted around to grab Ash’s hand from its back, curling its little paws around his wrist.

“Hey, it’s okay, buddy,” he said, and leaned down to press their foreheads together. “They’re just dreams.”

“Pikachu pika. Pi-pika chu pika pikachu.”

His smile faded, eyes opening as he softly sighed before straightening up. He didn’t pull his hand away though, just let Pikachu hold it as he used the other to pick up his drink again.

 “Is… is Pikachu okay?” Serena asked, glancing between them.

“Yeah. It’s just worryin’ over nothin’,” he said, and then winced when Pikachu dug its claws into him.

“Pika! Pikachu pi-pika pika pikachu!” it snapped.

“Okay, okay, it’s not nothing!” he cried. “I’m sorry!”

“Pikachu!”

“Quit it!” he said, and they glared at each other for a few seconds, before Ash abruptly looked away, and Pikachu softened its grip until it was just holding again. It nuzzled against the back of his fingers, sniffling a little.

“Pi-pikachu pika, Pikapi.”

Serena blinked, intimately aware that she’d just missed something, but not really sure how to ask what it had been. Ash always said he didn’t actually understand what his pokemon were actually _saying_ , but at times like this she really wondered.

She looked down at her drink. It was easier to make sense of. “You were apologising.”

“What?”

“Before you fell out of bed, you were talking in your sleep. You kept saying you were sorry,” she said. “Sorry that you weren’t good enough.”

She dared to glance up, and found him staring at her, while Pikachu looked, if possible, even worse than before.

“I couldn’t figure out why,” she continued softly. “You just kept saying sorry, for different things. That you’d tried and it wasn’t enough. I’m sorry I listened, I just… couldn’t help it.”

“Oh. No, that’s okay, I mean…” He swallowed, looking back down at the table. “I was the one talkin’. Not your fault you heard it.”

“Does that… does that help, at all?” she asked. “To let you know what you were dreaming about?”

“Not really, but… I kind of knew already,” he admitted. “I don’t remember my dreams, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what they’re about. It’s why I’m not really surprised they make me feel cold.”

She looked at him with wide eyes, too scared to ask.

“A lot of the times I really mess up, I end up cold, and wet, or freezing,” he explained. “I think that’s what I was dreaming about. Only, I guess that if I was saying sorry, it was because the people I messed things up for were there too.”

“I’m sure that whatever it was, it wasn’t really your fault,” she said, and Pikachu mumbled something that sounded like firm agreement.

“Well, I mostly made it better anyway,” he said. “But in the dreams, I don’t think I do. I think they just end with me messing up.”

She hesitated, then asked, “Is that what happened at the lake? Did you… did that remind you of…?”

He nodded. “Uh huh. I thought I was in this undersea temple, and that I’d dropped this really important thing, and I’d run out of air. Only this time, I kind of knew Manaphy wasn’t there to save me.”

Pikachu pulled Ash’s wrist closer against its front, and Ash let out a long breath, leaning down until his head touched the table. “Forget it. It’s stupid.”

“It doesn’t sound stupid at all,” Serena said softly. “It _sounds_ like you almost drowned once.”

He didn’t answer, so she looked at Pikachu. “Is that right…?”

“Pika,” it said, nodding once, then looked down at Ash as well. “Pika pikachu, pi-kapika.”

She didn’t have to try to understand. It was obvious. She stared at the top of Ash’s head, amazed. “Ash, if you almost drowned once – _anyone_ would be scared after that! I’m surprised you even swim anymore!”

“It’s never been that bad,” he said, shifting to rest his chin on the table so he could see again. “I’ve always been fine. Someone always saves me.”

“Al- how many times has this happened?” she asked. “Ash – I know you get into crazy situations a lot, and you –” She stopped, suddenly remembering why he’d been on the news for her to realise he was in Kalos. How Talonflame had evolved. How close Shadow Hoopa had been to grabbing him, and all the times Team Rocket’s machines had been so much more dangerous than Ash treated them. Something always got in the way, always stopped it from going badly, but – but if only one thing had been different… if someone had been slower, just once…

She was never really afraid on their journeys, no matter what happened. She never really needed to be, because even when it was scary, she knew Ash was there, and he always kept them safe.

She’d never really thought about who kept _him_ safe.

“I don’t know why it gets to me sometimes,” he said, like it was embarrassing. “I mean, it’s always fine. I never even get hurt, really. It shouldn’t be a problem. It’s really stupid.”

What was stupid was Ash apparently thinking it was something to be ashamed of.

But Serena couldn’t think of how to word that without just calling him an idiot. And right now, he really didn’t deserve that.

So instead, she got up and came around the table so she could sit in the seat beside him. He blinked at her, obviously not understanding even as she pulled the chair close enough that their arms touched. Normally, such bravery would probably have had her blushing from head to foot and squealing, but right now, it just felt like the right thing to do. If Pikachu hadn’t been holding the hand he wasn’t using to drink, she probably would have even taken it.

“It really isn’t stupid,” she said quietly. “Do you want to tell me about what happened? The time with… M- Mana- Manatee?”

“Manaphy,” he corrected, slowly sitting up. “And um… I don’t know, I…”

He’d rather not, she could tell. She pushed down a little disappointment and forced a smile. “That’s okay. I’m glad you told me as much as you did.”

They sat in silence for another couple of minutes, just drinking their chocolate. Eventually, Ash began twitching his fingers to pet Pikachu again, and it slowly released him, allowing him to shift his hand and rub its head instead.

“You wanna know something, though?” he asked her, though he didn’t look away from his pokemon. “It’s not the getting hurt that scares me. I know it should an’ all, but that’s not it.”

“It’s not?” she asked, staring at him, and he shook his head.

“It’s the idea that… if nothing had saved me – if I’d… you know…”

“If you’d died,” she breathed, because it seemed like Ash couldn’t say it and she could barely get any louder.

“Then I couldn’t have helped anyone,” he said softly. “That’d mean I messed up so bad that I couldn’t make it better. And I know that… I don’t really think I’m nearly as important as some people say I am, but I do wanna help. That’s what scares me. That even if I tried my hardest, I still couldn’t help the ones who really needed it.”

She stared at him, unable to help the small spark inside her. On one hand, hearing him say that – basically tell her that he didn’t care if he died, as long as it helped someone… that was scarier than anything. But… that was Ash, wasn’t it? Caring and kind, always wanting to help. That was the boy that had captured her heart when they were kids. That was the one that had her now, no matter how silly or insensitive he could be.

“I want to be a Pokemon Master,” he continued. “That’s why I keep trying to get stronger. But sometimes it feels like I’m never gonna get there. No matter how many battles we face, or challenges we take on, it seems like we’re never strong enough. And if I can’t even do that, then how am I gonna help the ones who need it? That’s what really scares me, you know? That I’m never gonna be strong enough.”

There didn’t seem to be anything Serena could say to that, and when she looked at Pikachu, it seemed to be struggling to find a good response as well. It wasn’t enough to tell him he would be. Because honestly, with everything they’d seen and done in just the time she’d known him, no one could say that for sure. He was the strongest person she’d ever met, but she wasn’t sure if she meant it in the same way he did.

She wondered what her mother would say, if she was here. Would she have some big, comforting speech? That didn’t seem likely. Ash’d probably like whatever she had to say though – they had that same stubborn, tough attitude about getting stronger and always trying your best. She contemplated trying to make up something off the top of her head, but knew she wouldn’t get very far.

“But I guess…” Ash lifted his head, eyes gaining a determined glint as he looked across the kitchen and into the future. “I guess that’s why I’ve just gotta keep trying. I’ve gotta train hard, and learn more, and keep getting stronger. I’ll never get there if I don’t try.”

“Pikapi…” Pikachu said, and then chirped, a broad smile appearing on its face as it seemed to bounce under his hand. “Pika! Pikachu chaa!”

“Right!” he replied, and they grinned at each other.

Serena blinked, not entirely sure what could have spurned such a turnaround, but in the end, she decided, it didn’t really matter. She smiled and gently nudged him. “You’re a really great guy, Ash Ketchum.”

“You think so?” he asked, glancing at her sideways, then grinned even wider, his eyes closing with an embarrassed laugh. “Thanks for listening, Serena. It really helped.”

She hunched her shoulders, unable to help giggling a little. “Anytime, Ash.”

“Pikapika!” Pikachu added, and slipped out from under Ash’s hand to bound its way up onto his shoulder, where it could reach out and pat her hair. “Pikaa, pikachu!”

She giggled again, and Ash laughed, and even though Serena didn’t know the whole story, and none of them could know the future, everything seemed okay for the moment.

“Oh hey! It’s almost six o’clock!” Ash said, glancing up at the clock. “Hey, since we’re up already, you want to do some training before breakfast?”

“Me?” she asked blankly, and he nodded.

“Yeah! I’d like Noivern to get a bit more practice with fairy-type moves. It’d really help us out.”

She blinked, caught a little off-guard, but he looked so excited… “Sure! But uh, can we get dressed first?”

“Huh? Oh! Yeah, that’d probably be a good idea,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his head with a laugh.

They got up and headed back to the dorms, Ash already brimming with excitement and explaining exactly what he needed. Serena trailed along behind, letting herself get swept along like she always did with Ash, leaving all his nightmares and her scary thoughts behind them.

Where they belonged, she told herself later. Because today was another day, and all they could do was look forward to tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> I think a big part of the problem with writing angst around Ash is that we see him do it in the series, and it never lasts that long. He just doesn't have it in him to get bogged down, even when--as far as anyone sensible is concerned--he has plenty of reasons to. He's just so focussed on what he can do to help other people that he simply doesn't have the mental capacity to worry about himself.  
> Which is also, perhaps, why it's okay if we never get confirmation of the whole World Saviour/Chosen One thing. He's gonna do it anyway, so why bother putting labels, amirite?  
> ...Yeah, I'm not thrilled with that either.


End file.
